Hey so even just looking at tumblr tends to really depress me and make me want to shut everything down and out. I dont really know why. Maybe its just ive lived a lot of the recent worst parts of my life staring at this blue background and the residual feelings wont go away. Maybe im a shitty old mid-20s also-ran who misses What It Was Like In The Old Days or something haha. I dunno. Maybe its spring. Maybe I should see my therapist if hot weather and a blue background can affect me like this. All I know is it sucks, there are a lot of people I really like that I communicate with primarily through tumblr but I just can’t deal with the fact that blogging makes me feel like im unmedicated again. W/e I could change my mind in two hours or six months or something or I dont know. But right now I dont really think I will be on much. It reminds me of friendships that went sour and opportunities i destroyed and leagues upon leagues of my vast sea of failures and personality flaws. It makes me feel like a disgusting human being to be here. My blog is and always has been a putrid mirror of my worst opinions of myself and maybe that wont go away no matter how hard i try. I think its honestly healthier for me to not be on here.
Id say sorry because there are some of you I miss when I spend time off of here but im sure you were doing just fine without me. The fun of this site is pretty much gone for me. unfortunately, it tended even during the best times to be a good excuse for me to fall back into that pathetic loop of vicious self loathing that has been my most constant personality trait since age 13 when i realized how bad life really could be for other people and was confronted with the large and rather disgusting nature of the universe and my exact place in it. Sooooo im not going to be posting much. Or probably. At all. You guys can text me if you want. Im just gonna cry under a blanket until i either fall asleep or come to my senses and i dunno go eat something or whatever shyt. Bye y’all